The following is a transcript from the first cellcast presidential press conference, interrupting over 500 million cell phone calls for breaking news. My source, one Marty McFly, refused to give more details about the future.
Press Secretary Robert DinNiro: Ladies and gentlemen of the press [snorting sound], excuse me [clears throat]. This after noon, at exactly three-fifteen PM, ah...[shrugs] well, I'll just let him tell it. Mr. President?
President Christopher Walken: Thanks, Bobby. Go on, I got this. No, go on, you look like you need a nap [nods, then chortles]. Anyway, uh...Well. Look, um...Today, I had to use the force of the U.S. military against an enemy, and uh, I'm not happy about it, but...well. They left us no choice.
Unidentified reporter: President Walken, did you bring us into yet another...
President Walken: Please, please...This is a serious matter, and ...I don't wanna make a spectacle of it. It's just that...the Iranians called us, you know, all of us, Americans, Khameni called us a bunch of zionist mooks and promised to wipe out Israel if we didn't give them our new fusion reactor technology and so, well...since we didn't do anything the last time, they went ahead and took out Jerusalem. Yeah, uh...Brian, what's your question?
Brian Williams, cellNBC: President Walken, what was our response to this vile act of bullying by the Iranians?
President Walken: [laughs in dismay] whu-we bombed the hell out of them! What do you think? Nobody calls me a mook and then bombs Israel. I mean, come on...guy with a towel on his head calls you names [unclear protest from correspondents' gallery]...Sorry, Ahmed, I didn't mean to be insulting. But c'mon...what if I called you a mook and then...[more unclear commotion] no, no, I get it, you're...[sighs] look, could we get on with this please? War, people, you know? Kind of important. Okay, questions, yeah, you, Couric.
Katie Couric, Peoria Journal Star: Mr. President, are you saying we launched a fusion strike against Tehran?
President Walken: No, I'm saying we sent them an umpire and a bunch of union workers from the docks [snorts, chortles]. You crazy broad, no wonder you don't work cell networks anymore [snickers, big grin]...No, I'm saying we levelled their whole damned country. There is no Iran. No more Syria, either...What's that, Ted? Take off the oxygen mask, I can't understand you. Now, what?
Ted Kopple, PBScell: [gasp] I said, Mr. president, aren't you worried about [gasp] retaliation?
President Walken: From Who? The ACLU? Didn't you hear me, I said I blew everyone up. [chuckle] Look, like I said, I don't want to turn this into a circus, so if we could just have some serious questions, please...
Samantha Ryhad, cellNN: Sir, what does this mean for the treaty signed by former President Giullianni with the Saudis?
President Walken: It means we don't have one, gorgeous. You call me a mook, you bomb Israel, you make cracks about Vice-President Pecci's poor dead mother, and you get bombs up your can. I feel confident the Saudis understand that. Next question.
Campbell Brown, NBcell: Sir, has there been any communication from the Martian government regarding our unilateral fussion strike against...well, everyone?
President Walken: To be honest, no. I'm sure they have bigger fish to fry with that whole global warming scam they've got going on up there. Look, if there are no more serious questions, I have a premier to be at...thank-you all for coming. Ah, in closing, let me just say...my prayers go out to the Israelis, I wish congress would give me the funding to bomb some more of their enemies...um...don't miss my new movie, Pipsqueak, out in theaters this July...and ah...[shrugs shoulders] that's it, i guess. [rumblings from the press gallery, unintelligible] oh, yeah. I guess we can reinstate that habeas corpus thing now. Good night, and God bless.
[many voices at once trying to get the president's attention as he leaves the podium, smiling and waving] END TRANSCRIPT
Mr. McFry, as I said above, was not willing to discuss the details further, but personally, I'm just glad we lasted until 2013.
Press Secretary Robert DinNiro: Ladies and gentlemen of the press [snorting sound], excuse me [clears throat]. This after noon, at exactly three-fifteen PM, ah...[shrugs] well, I'll just let him tell it. Mr. President?
President Christopher Walken: Thanks, Bobby. Go on, I got this. No, go on, you look like you need a nap [nods, then chortles]. Anyway, uh...Well. Look, um...Today, I had to use the force of the U.S. military against an enemy, and uh, I'm not happy about it, but...well. They left us no choice.
Unidentified reporter: President Walken, did you bring us into yet another...
President Walken: Please, please...This is a serious matter, and ...I don't wanna make a spectacle of it. It's just that...the Iranians called us, you know, all of us, Americans, Khameni called us a bunch of zionist mooks and promised to wipe out Israel if we didn't give them our new fusion reactor technology and so, well...since we didn't do anything the last time, they went ahead and took out Jerusalem. Yeah, uh...Brian, what's your question?
Brian Williams, cellNBC: President Walken, what was our response to this vile act of bullying by the Iranians?
President Walken: [laughs in dismay] whu-we bombed the hell out of them! What do you think? Nobody calls me a mook and then bombs Israel. I mean, come on...guy with a towel on his head calls you names [unclear protest from correspondents' gallery]...Sorry, Ahmed, I didn't mean to be insulting. But c'mon...what if I called you a mook and then...[more unclear commotion] no, no, I get it, you're...[sighs] look, could we get on with this please? War, people, you know? Kind of important. Okay, questions, yeah, you, Couric.
Katie Couric, Peoria Journal Star: Mr. President, are you saying we launched a fusion strike against Tehran?
President Walken: No, I'm saying we sent them an umpire and a bunch of union workers from the docks [snorts, chortles]. You crazy broad, no wonder you don't work cell networks anymore [snickers, big grin]...No, I'm saying we levelled their whole damned country. There is no Iran. No more Syria, either...What's that, Ted? Take off the oxygen mask, I can't understand you. Now, what?
Ted Kopple, PBScell: [gasp] I said, Mr. president, aren't you worried about [gasp] retaliation?
President Walken: From Who? The ACLU? Didn't you hear me, I said I blew everyone up. [chuckle] Look, like I said, I don't want to turn this into a circus, so if we could just have some serious questions, please...
Samantha Ryhad, cellNN: Sir, what does this mean for the treaty signed by former President Giullianni with the Saudis?
President Walken: It means we don't have one, gorgeous. You call me a mook, you bomb Israel, you make cracks about Vice-President Pecci's poor dead mother, and you get bombs up your can. I feel confident the Saudis understand that. Next question.
Campbell Brown, NBcell: Sir, has there been any communication from the Martian government regarding our unilateral fussion strike against...well, everyone?
President Walken: To be honest, no. I'm sure they have bigger fish to fry with that whole global warming scam they've got going on up there. Look, if there are no more serious questions, I have a premier to be at...thank-you all for coming. Ah, in closing, let me just say...my prayers go out to the Israelis, I wish congress would give me the funding to bomb some more of their enemies...um...don't miss my new movie, Pipsqueak, out in theaters this July...and ah...[shrugs shoulders] that's it, i guess. [rumblings from the press gallery, unintelligible] oh, yeah. I guess we can reinstate that habeas corpus thing now. Good night, and God bless.
[many voices at once trying to get the president's attention as he leaves the podium, smiling and waving] END TRANSCRIPT
Mr. McFry, as I said above, was not willing to discuss the details further, but personally, I'm just glad we lasted until 2013.
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