Thursday, December 20, 2007

Big-Brained Primate Calls Birth of Christ "Legend"


If you were the Archbishop of Canterbury, even an Archbishop who considered himself to be educated, enlightened, and well-read, you might take it upon yourself this Christmas to thank God for sending His Son Jesus Christ to save humanity from hellfire. You might take the opportunity, even if you have a liberal arts degree, to point out God's love for all of His children. OR, if you were Dr. Rowan Williams, you might grant interviews in which you tell the entire world that it all sounds quite nice, but it's just a "legend," and that, as most atheists argue, "you can't prove it!" Well, all I can say is, I can't prove Amelia Earhart is dead, but I just take it on faith. Don't get me wrong, I understand where he was coming from. When he says, in his interview with Simon Mayo of the BBC, "Christmas was when it was because it fitted well with the winter festival," he's talking about Saturnalia, the Roman feast in honor of their god Saturn. It makes sense. If I were a Roman emperor trying to convert people to Christianity, I wouldn't want to tick them off by yanking away a popular holiday. That's not the point, though, as even a primate like the good doctor should know. The point is not when we celebrate, or if the magi were kings, or if there was in fact a little drummer boy. The point is that we celebrate! It sounds to me as though the Archbishop is trying very hard to "fit in" with the secular left by showing off his big, fat, enlightened brain by opening his big, fat, enlightened mouth. We get it, you know your history and you have a healthy skepticism. What about faith, though, Dr. Williams? Why marginalize the rest of us who just believe, and celebrate that belief? Was it a good idea to try to score points with the seculars at a time when we are fighting for the right to say "Merry Christmas" to a sales clerk without getting sued? As my mother used to say, for the skeptic, no proof will ever be possible. For the believer, no proof will ever be necessary. I don't care if scholars want to debate the actual date that God sent His only son to be born and crucified for us, and it is to be expected that there will be doubters of the immaculate conception, but don't make the rest of us out to be a bunch of superstitious boobs because we believe that God could love us that much, that there could be miracles.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Save The Planet By Using Toxic Materials


Algore, the High Priest of the Church of Global Warming, wants you to save energy by using Compact Fluorescent Light bulbs. They last longer, use less energy than the old-fashioned Edison light bulbs, which is good for the planet and your wallet, and they contain a toxic chemical. Wait-you didn't know? That's right, those cute little pigtail CFLs contain Mercury, which is known to adversely affect the brain, the spinal cord, the liver, and the kidneys. "Well, big deal," you might say, "the amount in those bulbs is probably safe, and besides, it's inside the bulb!" Right! Until one breaks. When a bulb breaks, the EPA warns people to leave the room right away and stay out for at least fifteen minutes, and when you do go in to clean up the mess, you practically need a HazMat suit. After you use your rubber gloved hands and duct tape to clean up, or if it just burns out and needs to be replaced, you should take it to a recycling center, which may be fifty miles away, depending on where you live. Are you going to do all of that? No, of course not. You're going to pick up the broken bulb with your bare hands, sweep up the rest with a broom, and put it in the trash which will be taken to a landfill, Mercury and all, to pollute the environment! "Well, come on," you may be thinking, "how likely is it that one of these things is just going to break?" Right again. It probably won't "just break." However, when my dog was chasing my cat, it tripped on the cord to the lamp on the table next to my sofa, causing the lamp to fall and the CFL bulb to break very near my youngest daughter. What are you going to do? Dogs chase cats. Accidents happen. Toxic, environmentally conscious accidents. I don't buy those pigtail bulbs anymore. I like my old-fashioned, incandescent, Edison bulbs. They may use more energy, but my house is lit at night, and if they break, my kids' mental development wont be affected. "But I want to do my part for the environment," you say. Fine. Take your chances with Mercury components. Maybe you're the kind of person who will actually drive the fifty miles to recycle one lousy light bulb. How many of those CFLs do you need to use in order to offset the carbon you just spewed into the air by driving that far? I'm just asking, don't get upset. Frankly, I think Algore has got you all bamboozled. The Earth doesn't need our protection, it's we, the consumers, that could use it. One last thing....I went to the store and looked, and I can't find one CFL that's made in America. They're pretty much manufactured in China, the country that gave us poisoned dog food, lead-filled toys, and virus-infected hard drives. Just thought I'd mention it.