Washington for Dummies

High school and college were a long time ago for some of us, and we don't always have a text book or encyclopedia handy.  That's why it's aggravating when I get into a discussion with someone about history or politics and they demand that I site my references as if I were writing an essay for a grade instead of just running my mouth because I'm angry about the price of gasoline.  "Remember what Washington said about foreign entanglements in his farewell address," they'll say, and I'll admit, I suddenly feel very small as I respond with, "um...he didn't like them?"  Those little nuggets people pull out always make them seem smart and well read, but to be honest, I don't see how anyone could remember even a sentence from that little piece of history.  Seriously, it is, as Washington would say, "arduous in it's admonished vicissitudes."  Maybe not.  I don't actually know if those words even fit together.  But you get the idea.  I always thought Generals were these gruff, monosyllabic types that said what they meant and meant what they said, even 200 years ago. I think the next time some windbag pops off with something like that, I'm going to say, "no, what did Washington say about that?  Care to expand on it?  Please list your sources."  But first, I'm going to try to figure out just what the hell the Father of Our Country was trying to lecture us about. That's right, it's time to "dumb down" Washington's Farewell Address from 1796.
Friends and Citizens:
We're not too far off from another election, so I figured this would be a good time to let you know I don't want the job anymore.  Don't get me wrong, it's not because I don't like you, or the country.  Honestly, I wanted to retire four years ago and go back to being a farmer, but I really didn't trust France, England, or Spain to leave us alone, so I figured I kind of had to take the job.  I've got to be honest, here, this job's pretty hard, and some days I just didn't feel up to it...some of you probably didn't think so, either, but anyway, the longer I do this, the better retirement sounds!  Personally, I don't think that means I'm not a patriot.  Getting to be president was pretty awesome, even when things were rough, and I just want to thank all of you for supporting me.  I love all of you guys, and I'll take your love and support with me to the grave.  One of these days, other countries who haven't figured out yet what a good thing we have here will be cheering the same ideals.  I ought to shut up now, but I can't.  See, I've been thinking a lot about the future, and I have some things I need to get off my chest.  First off, we're not a bunch of separate colonies anymore, we're a united America, and that's a big deal, so don't let anybody, inside or outside the country, try to tear you apart.  Be proud of the union, and protect it like a jealous husband.  North, South, East, West, you all have your strengths, but you need each other.  Remember, no matter what, you are Americans first. Some people think this is just a dumb experiment that's doomed to fail, but so what?  We've got to try, right?  So don't trust anybody who says we ought to break up the union.  We ratified two treaties, one with Spain and one with England, regarding access to the Mississippi, and it's really pretty awesome for you people out west.  Why would you want to go against the country that put that together for you when you know on your own Spain or England would just gobble you up and make the rest of us weaker?  Look, we all got together and put together a constitution.  It's a good one, too, way better than the articles of confederation (which was pretty lousy, by the way).  It's the law now, and I think we should all stand by it.  It makes us all stronger, together.  Now, I know political parties are going to pop up, and they may even serve some good, at least for the people who are in them.  But once you build these political machines, ambitious people are going to start driving them, so be careful.  Some people or groups will want to reinvent the wheel.  They'll tell you they're changing our constitution to improve it.  Just keep in mind that those improvements could undo everything we fought for.  Really, I don't even like political parties...they're usually driven by a thirst for revenge, power, or both, and I think parties are a real threat to liberty.  Amendments to the constitution are okay, but remember this- religion and morality are the strongest pillars of our political strength. Now about money. Don't abuse our Federal credit. We need to have money to support a standing army, and to pay our debts, and stuff like that, so we need to have money to pay them, and that means taxes. But taxes ought to be fair. Also, we ought to at least try to be friends with all the other nations. Yes, even England. We shouldn't be partial to one over another. Our real goal, here, is freedom and peace. Getting too much involved with other countries is going to distract us from that goal, because one way or another, we'll end up in war with people we otherwise wouldn't care very much about. We don't want to get dragged into a war because we sympathize with one nation more than another and make excuses about how we thought it was justified. At the best, it's unfair, and at the worst, it could make us a satellite of a more powerful nation or entity. Basically, Europe has it's own problems, and that's not our problem. We can trade with them, sure, but we shouldn't get tied into a bunch of alliances with any of them...we ought to just try to mind our own business. Unless, of course, in our own defense, we make a temporary alliance. That's okay, I guess. Now, there's still a lot going on in Europe right now, but I think (and I think you agree with me, since your representatives in Congress approved my plan) we ought to remain neutral. Anyway, I've been thinking about my time as president, and I honestly can't think of anything I did wrong on purpose, but I'm not perfect. So, if I screwed up in anyway, I hope God will forgive me, and I hope the rest of you don't remember my screw ups for too long. Now, I'm going to retire, and hopefully I can reap the rewards of freedom that come with this great country we created. -George Washington.


Was that a classy guy, or what? And a lot of what he said is good advice! Some of it...ooops. Too late. Well, anyway, that's our first president's last goodbye and his parting words of advice to a fledgling nation. Now, you know, even though I like to think of myself as a writer, my words can't compare to what Washington actually wrote. In fact, after reading this, the general would probably slap with with a white glove and challenge me to a duel for screwing up a beautiful speech. Call me a coward, but I just couldn't pick up a gun and point it at him, though, especially now that I understand him better. But damn it, now it's going to be hard to argue with that wiseguy that was always bringing this up!

You can read the whole address here:

http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/washing.asp