The One Ton President

You know what America needs?  A fat president.  No kidding.  Our next president should have a ZZ Top beard, a beer gut, and he needs to smoke two packs of Marlboro reds a day.  I'm sick and tired of the Jay Leno "how fat are we as a country" jokes and all of the Saturday morning commercials trying to push me and my family outside to "get active."  I'm sick of hearing about all of the okra that grows in Michelle Obama's garden, and I don't want to see any pictures of the President jogging.  The next time I see a container of pepper for sale at the grocery store that advertises "very low sodium!"  I am going to pick it up and fling it at the stockboy who put it there.  The next guy who utters the word "transfats" in my presence is going to have a transfat lip.  It started with light beer.  Look, if your diet allows you to drink beer of any kind, you are not on a diet.  Besides, if you live in a state that does not  allow the sale of beer that contains more than 3.2% alcohol, you're just drinking flavored water, anyway.  But never mind, not a big deal.  Then it was smoking.  Okay, no big whoop.  Everybody knows smoking is unhealthy, and of course we don't want our children taking up that filthy habit, so regulate it.  No more ads on T.V., and kill Joe Camel.  Next on the hit list was school vending machines.  Go ahead, try to rob one.  I bet you get about two bucks.  Hey, Mr. Principal!  No one likes that Coke Zero stuff you keep cramming in there!  Can you say Mountain Dew?  Soda is coffee for kids, get used to the idea!  Now we have the Grease Police breathing down our necks and telling McDonalds they can't sell Happy Meals in San Francisco.  I heard KFC, which used to be Kentucky FRIED Chicken, was selling roasted chicken now.  What planet is this?  What are all of these government agents doing in my freaking kitchen?  Can't you just let me eat in peace?  This is why I want a fat guy to be the President.  Go ahead and say it,  Lefty..."Now you're just being stupid, Mr. Johnson!  Obesity is a disease in this country!  How would having a fat president be good for our national image, you beer guzzling yellow toothed waste of human tissue?"  You really have a way with words, you know that?   But...no.  Obesity is not a disease, or an epidemic, nor is it the responsibility of government to regulate anybody's body mass index.   Is being fat healthy?  No.  Is smoking healthy? No.  Is drinking a barrel of whiskey a day healthy?  Of course not.  You know what else is unhealthy?  Telling a 210 pound adult male he needs to cut back on the snacks.  Mind your own damned business.  When people found out Obama smokes during the last presidential election, they had all kinds of polls and such...would you vote for a smoker?  And when he was asked about it,well, of course he let everyone know he was tryng to quit.  Screw that.  He should have said, "yeah, I smoke Lucky Strikes without a filter.  Don't like it?  Go to Hell.  Vote for bean sprout McCain if it matters so much to you."  Then, even I might have been tempted to vote for him.  Instead, we have his wife interrupting our cartoons to tell us we're too fat while she runs off to Spain and orders everything on the menu with extra gravy.  No more.  I'm now basing my next vote on how much the candidate weighs, because a fat president is less likely to raise taxes on Twinkies or regulate root beer.