Made in America: Back to Reality

Finally, after three years of speculation and conspiracy theories, President Obama has released his "long form" birth certificate.  Every website had a "Holy Crap!" banner accross the top of it this morning, and every radio station cut off your favorite song with BREAKING NEWS!  So now, assuming, of course, that you went on line and looked at the PDF that proves Obama is, indeed, eligible to be president, you are satisfied.  You have put your tinfoil hat back in it's place under your bed and are at last coming to terms with the fact that this is not some dastardly plot put together by time-travelling, communist muslim terrorists.  NO?  Of course not!  That's because you suffer from the same mania as Democrats who voted for Algore in the election of 2000!  You suffer from BODS (Barack Obama Derangement Syndrome), and nothing will stop you from your crusade to win an election that happened three and a half years ago.  I know what some of you are saying.  "Well, finally you're starting to sound rational, Mr. Johnson!  There may be hope for you yet!"  Not so fast, Leftie.  I'm still not a fan of the president, and I still have a few questions.  All I'm saying is that Barack Derangement Syndrome is no better than Bush Derangement Syndrome.  After the elections of 2000, there were people all jazzed up because they said Bush stole the election, that dead people voted, that Algore was the legitimate winner.  There are piles of you that still say those things, and Bush has been gone  for three years, now.  Let's let it go, shall we?  Obama is a natural born  American citizen.  Made in America.  2008 is history.  He won.  I still have plenty of reasons to think he's been a lousy president.  I don't need the tinfoil hat.  I could go on about Libya, about his response to the protests in Iran, how he has bowed bofore world leaders, or how Michelle goes around the world like Eva Peron while our economy is in a shambles....I could talk about the budget debate, or his "endless summer" vacations....I could bring up his energy policy, or I could even talk about his never-ending campaign for re-election.  The president said it best at his press conference today, though.  We've had way too many distractions. We have serious challenges ahead of us. Today, the president let us know that we don't have time for foolish distractions...then he jetted off to Chicago for an interview with Oprah.  So, let's just forget all about all of this "birther" nonsense and get back to the people's business, shall we?  Let's not concern ourselves with sideshows and who got "Trumped." Made in America, or not, our business should be about finding a suitable candidate to DEFEAT Obama and getting our country back on track so that, maybe, someday, the things you buy at the store can also proudly claim to be Made in America.

Washington for Dummies

High school and college were a long time ago for some of us, and we don't always have a text book or encyclopedia handy.  That's why it's aggravating when I get into a discussion with someone about history or politics and they demand that I site my references as if I were writing an essay for a grade instead of just running my mouth because I'm angry about the price of gasoline.  "Remember what Washington said about foreign entanglements in his farewell address," they'll say, and I'll admit, I suddenly feel very small as I respond with, "um...he didn't like them?"  Those little nuggets people pull out always make them seem smart and well read, but to be honest, I don't see how anyone could remember even a sentence from that little piece of history.  Seriously, it is, as Washington would say, "arduous in it's admonished vicissitudes."  Maybe not.  I don't actually know if those words even fit together.  But you get the idea.  I always thought Generals were these gruff, monosyllabic types that said what they meant and meant what they said, even 200 years ago. I think the next time some windbag pops off with something like that, I'm going to say, "no, what did Washington say about that?  Care to expand on it?  Please list your sources."  But first, I'm going to try to figure out just what the hell the Father of Our Country was trying to lecture us about. That's right, it's time to "dumb down" Washington's Farewell Address from 1796.
Friends and Citizens:
We're not too far off from another election, so I figured this would be a good time to let you know I don't want the job anymore.  Don't get me wrong, it's not because I don't like you, or the country.  Honestly, I wanted to retire four years ago and go back to being a farmer, but I really didn't trust France, England, or Spain to leave us alone, so I figured I kind of had to take the job.  I've got to be honest, here, this job's pretty hard, and some days I just didn't feel up to it...some of you probably didn't think so, either, but anyway, the longer I do this, the better retirement sounds!  Personally, I don't think that means I'm not a patriot.  Getting to be president was pretty awesome, even when things were rough, and I just want to thank all of you for supporting me.  I love all of you guys, and I'll take your love and support with me to the grave.  One of these days, other countries who haven't figured out yet what a good thing we have here will be cheering the same ideals.  I ought to shut up now, but I can't.  See, I've been thinking a lot about the future, and I have some things I need to get off my chest.  First off, we're not a bunch of separate colonies anymore, we're a united America, and that's a big deal, so don't let anybody, inside or outside the country, try to tear you apart.  Be proud of the union, and protect it like a jealous husband.  North, South, East, West, you all have your strengths, but you need each other.  Remember, no matter what, you are Americans first. Some people think this is just a dumb experiment that's doomed to fail, but so what?  We've got to try, right?  So don't trust anybody who says we ought to break up the union.  We ratified two treaties, one with Spain and one with England, regarding access to the Mississippi, and it's really pretty awesome for you people out west.  Why would you want to go against the country that put that together for you when you know on your own Spain or England would just gobble you up and make the rest of us weaker?  Look, we all got together and put together a constitution.  It's a good one, too, way better than the articles of confederation (which was pretty lousy, by the way).  It's the law now, and I think we should all stand by it.  It makes us all stronger, together.  Now, I know political parties are going to pop up, and they may even serve some good, at least for the people who are in them.  But once you build these political machines, ambitious people are going to start driving them, so be careful.  Some people or groups will want to reinvent the wheel.  They'll tell you they're changing our constitution to improve it.  Just keep in mind that those improvements could undo everything we fought for.  Really, I don't even like political parties...they're usually driven by a thirst for revenge, power, or both, and I think parties are a real threat to liberty.  Amendments to the constitution are okay, but remember this- religion and morality are the strongest pillars of our political strength. Now about money. Don't abuse our Federal credit. We need to have money to support a standing army, and to pay our debts, and stuff like that, so we need to have money to pay them, and that means taxes. But taxes ought to be fair. Also, we ought to at least try to be friends with all the other nations. Yes, even England. We shouldn't be partial to one over another. Our real goal, here, is freedom and peace. Getting too much involved with other countries is going to distract us from that goal, because one way or another, we'll end up in war with people we otherwise wouldn't care very much about. We don't want to get dragged into a war because we sympathize with one nation more than another and make excuses about how we thought it was justified. At the best, it's unfair, and at the worst, it could make us a satellite of a more powerful nation or entity. Basically, Europe has it's own problems, and that's not our problem. We can trade with them, sure, but we shouldn't get tied into a bunch of alliances with any of them...we ought to just try to mind our own business. Unless, of course, in our own defense, we make a temporary alliance. That's okay, I guess. Now, there's still a lot going on in Europe right now, but I think (and I think you agree with me, since your representatives in Congress approved my plan) we ought to remain neutral. Anyway, I've been thinking about my time as president, and I honestly can't think of anything I did wrong on purpose, but I'm not perfect. So, if I screwed up in anyway, I hope God will forgive me, and I hope the rest of you don't remember my screw ups for too long. Now, I'm going to retire, and hopefully I can reap the rewards of freedom that come with this great country we created. -George Washington.


Was that a classy guy, or what? And a lot of what he said is good advice! Some of it...ooops. Too late. Well, anyway, that's our first president's last goodbye and his parting words of advice to a fledgling nation. Now, you know, even though I like to think of myself as a writer, my words can't compare to what Washington actually wrote. In fact, after reading this, the general would probably slap with with a white glove and challenge me to a duel for screwing up a beautiful speech. Call me a coward, but I just couldn't pick up a gun and point it at him, though, especially now that I understand him better. But damn it, now it's going to be hard to argue with that wiseguy that was always bringing this up!

You can read the whole address here:

http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/washing.asp

Citizen Kermitt

I swear, Kermitt the Frog would stand a better chance of beating Obama in the 2012 election than any of the guys from the last cycle.  Mike Huckabee is a pretty sharp guy, and his book, A Simple Government, makes a lot of good points...but President Huckabee?  Aint' gonna happen, unless it's president of his book club.  Some people are shouting out Mitt Romney's name again, but I'm not voting for a Ken doll, I'm voting for a president...so...no.  Sarah Palin?  Sorry, Saturday Night Live killed that in'08.  Tina Fey pretending to be Sarah Palin would have a better shot at the White House.  Then there's Donald Trump.  The Democrats are salivating over the possibility of him running against Obama.  The liberal media are putting him on all of their shows right now and bringing up the "birther" thing because they want him to be in the race.  Believe me, they're begging for it.  The way things look right now, the Republicans have NO CANDIDATE.  There is absolutely no person that I can think of who has an honest chance of winning against Obama, and the conditions for a Republican victory haven't been this good since Carter got his clock cleaned by Reagan.  Even though, according to Gallup, Obama's approval rating is at 41%, most people still really like the guy, feel sorry for him, even.  Huckabee?  Yawn. Romney?  Snore.  Trump?  Giggle.  Where is our leadership?  Where is our charismatic kickass guy?  Hell, I'll even take a joke candidate like Frosty the Snowman or Kermitt the Frog!  The way things are going, I'm ready to dig up John Wayne's body and nominate him!  And please, please, God, keep McCain in Arizona...I am so afraid that he'll spring out of his coffin and anounce his candidacy like Dracula ready to drain the life out of any chance we may have at a win.  So who's it going to be?  Governor Jindall of Louisiana?  Not running.  Congressman Ryan of Wisconsin?  Not running.  I even had hope that Hillary would run and challenge Obama for the Democratic nomination...nope.  Not running.  I haven't experienced apathy like this since I heard they were taking MAD TV off the air.  I just hope Kermitt is a Republican, because I'd rather vote for a muppet than another party puppet.

Uncle Sam's American Express

And you thought your credit score was low.  As a nation, we can no longer even buy a used car from E-Z Credit Ed on the south side of town.  Standard & Poor's just downgraded the United States' outlook from "stable" to "negative."  What does that mean, you ask?  It means they no longer trust in our government's ability to pay of the debt.  What is Standard & Poor's?  They're a financial research company famous in the world of Wall Street, the "go to" guys for stock market indexes.  What does this mean? Well, I'm no economist, but it sounds like a major financial player just told the rest of the world that Uncle Sam is a deadbeat.  The Obama administration, however, is optimistic.  Austan Goolsbee of the Council of Economic Advisers says, "What the S&P is doing is making a political judgement and it's one we don't agree with, and it appeared to me that Moody's and some others don't agree with that judgement."  True, Moody's has kept the U.S. outlook at "stable."  For now.  But let's look at some other things going on in the world of money, like the budget debate in Washington.  The House of Representatives, which controls the "purse strings" of government, is calling for budget cuts while the Executive Branch claims those cuts will starve grandma and butcher your dog.  In a regular household, when the credit cards are maxed out, mom and dad sit down and talk about what they can do to spend less.  In this case, however, the government is "mom," and she aint' giving up her weekly spa treatment.  Don't be surprised when your car isn't in the driveway tomorrow morning, mom.  Which is why, in part, our credit rating has dropped, just as it did during the budget crisis of 1996 (only then, it was Moody's that did the downgrading).  Another part would be the printing of tons of money.  "Blah, blah, blah," you're probably saying, "I don't understand any of it, and I don't care, anyway!"  Well, understand this, then- there's this group called "The Fed."  That's the Federal Reserve, and they control the money supply.  Since we don't have a gold standard anymore, money is worth whatever it will buy, which means, of course, that when you buy a car, it's worth whatever the sellers say it's worth, or however much you're willing to pay for it.  When stuff is cheap, "The Fed" gets nervous, because they believe if prices fall, so will wages, so they artificially affect the markets to keep prices high.  Yes, "The Fed" likes inflation, which, as I'm sure you know, means stuff costs more, but you're not earning more.  This could only be a problem, "The Fed" reckons, if people start hording or if there's a scarcity of commodities.  Well...more bad news about that...the Saudis are cutting fuel production.  Add that to widespread rebellion in Egypt, Libya, Bahrain, and others, and speculators will go bonkers...which will drive the price of gas even higher, which in turn causes the cost of food to increase.  Of course, the national inflation index doesn't take food or fuel into account, so even though inflation is at it's highest in three years, economists say you aren't feeling it.  Of course not, right?  As long as you don't have to eat or drive to work, you should be in good shape!  Fortunately, we have programs in America like food stamps...which brings me back to the budget.  Something's going to get cut...probably a lot of somethings.  So what's it going to be?  Social Security?  Food Stamps?  Education?  Oh, and taxes will probably be going up, too, even if there are significant cuts.  Taxes go up on business, which means fewer new hires, which means fewer people paying taxes, which means more poor people who need government programs, which means deeper budget deficits and more cuts for programs that are supposed to help the poor, when what the poor really need are good jobs, and there we go back up the scale.  And all of this is happening while we print more money and raise interest rates to create inflation, while congress debates whether or not to give themselves more credit by raising the debt ceiling, while OPEC cuts oil production, while we are not allowed to drill for oil in our own country (hold on, I need to catch my breath), while unemployment is at 8.9%, and our credit standing as a nation as been downgraded to "negative."  Make sense yet?  So while you're feeling bad about your credit score of 590 and wondering if you'll get that loan for a used car, just count your blessings.  At least you're not that deadbeat Uncle Sam.
A few sources:
http://www.cnbc.com/id/42643384
http://www.cnbc.com/id/42595125/
http://www.cnbc.com/id/42637280/

As A Former Foetus...

Liberals always say, " no one is for abortion."  The idea behind that statement is,  "we don't like it either, but sometimes it just has to be done."  Bill Clinton, the new Liberal Golden Boy since Jack Kennedy was murdered, is famously quoted as saying in 1996, "abortion should not only be safe and legal, it should be rare." Well two out of three and bad, right, Bill?  And speaking of bills, let's get back to the policy rider of choice for 2011, the effort to defund Planned Parenthood.  I've been doing some research, and it looks like abortion is becoming less rare and more profitable.  The other thing I've noticed about this debate in my research is how liberals frame the debate.  Take this excerpt from Planned Parenthood's own fact sheet from September 2010: "In 2008, we provided nearly 11 million medical services for three million people, and helped to prevent approximately 595,000 unintended pregnancies."  My focus is on the "prevention" of "unintended pregnancies."  For those of you who haven't passed a third grade reading level, that translates to "we killed 595,000 babies for women who had sex with men they didn't want to have kids with."  Sound harsh?  Sure, Lefty, I know women get raped.  I know bad things happen.  I'm not an idiot.  Here's the deal, though.  Planned Parenthood also provides services for women like adoption and contraception.  For the 2009 year, "medical services" amounts to $683.7 million in expenses in contrast to "sexuality education," $52.8 million.  I didn't grab those figures out of the air, that's from PP's own PDF, which, if you are interested enough, you can find here:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/files/PPFA/PPFA_Annual_Report_08-09-FINAL-12-10-10.pdf
In 2008, the amount of abortions listed on the fact sheet are 324,008 as opposed to the adoption referrals, which come to 2,405.  Gee, I guess those poor girls had no other choice.  Rare, huh?  And as I look back over the annual reports of the past ten years, it looks like the more abortions Planned Parenthood provides, the more government funding they get!  Wow!  Is it just Coincidence?  Gee, prenatal care and adoption services are about 5% of their pie chart, but for $160,000 abortions, they get $160 million dollars from your government.  What's up with that?  Most of the babies being killed, by the way, in the name of "choice" and "women's health," are minorities.  Yeah, Latin American and Black babies.  Would it suprise you to know, at this point, that Planned Parenthood's founder, Margaret Sanger, was a proponent of eugenics that once spoke before the women's auxiliary of the Ku Klux Klan?  I don't want to hear any more about free mammograms or HIV testing for unfortunate prostitiutes.  Do you really want your government, your tax dollars, and thereby you, to be funding this crap?  Liberals are as slippery as eels and they use clever phrases and words to mask their true intentions.  They say "pro choice" when they mean "pro death."  Who could be against choice, right?  It sounds so democratic.  They say "prevented unintended pregnancies" when they really mean "killed unborn babies."  It just doesn't sound so severe.  I'm a simple man, so I call 'em as I see 'em.  You didn't "prevent a feoutus from coming to term."  You killed a baby, a human soul.  You didn't exercise your "right to choose," you chose to have a doctor murder your baby.  Because you got drunk and screwed the wrong guy? Because you were raped?  Because you were abused?  And you killed what could have been the next Einstien or Beethoven, or even a regular old baby who would love you forever just because you're "mom"  to make yourself feel better about it instead of opting for adoption?  Oh, and as the father, a man has no say in the matter? And you think the government, the American taxpayer should pay for this little hit job? Screw that.  Defund it now.

The $100,000 Band-Aid

Apparently, the NBA has added political correctness to the list of technical fouls that can be called, because Wednesday, Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 for using the word "faggot."  Now, Kobe says he was just angry at the referee and tossed out an insult.  "What I said last night should not be taken literally. My actions were out of frustration during the heat of the game, period," he said as part of a statement released by the Lakers. I have no idea if the referee he was upset with is gay or not, or even if that referee was particularly offended, but either way, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) got an apology out of Kobe, so it doesn't matter.  "Professional sports players need to set a better example for young people who use words like this on the playground and in our schools, creating a climate of intolerance and hostility," said one of the gay lawyers for GLAAD.  Really?  Is that a fact?  Look, I agree that some of our top athletes are less than "good sports," I mean we have professional athletes that walk into nightclubs with firearms, rape female fans, and bet on cock fights, and that's just one guy on one night.  Don't you think people might be overreacting just a little bit on this issue?   Maybe I'm just getting old...when I was in high school, that was just something bullies called people whether they were actually gay or not.  When some long-haired, pot-smoking maggott in a Megadeth t-shirt called me "faggot," it wasn't because he really thought I was gay, it was just an insult, a stab at my basic manhood.  I had a boss just a few years ago that would routinely say things like, "do you girls think you could hurry it up, or is it time for your tea already?"  I've heard guys on the golf course say to eachother, "nice swing, Mary, does your boyfriend play golf, too?"  It's trash talk.  Now, I know what some of you are saying... "It is trash talk, Mr. Johnson, and trash like that has no business in professional sports, or anywhere else in society!  Just the fact that you even chose to include that hateful word in your article shows what a backward weed of humanity you are!" Easy, there, Lefty, you're getting close to hate speech, and we wouldn't want to have to fine you.  But seriously, are we really at a point now where everytime someone gets their feelings hurt we have to slap a $100,000 band-aid on it?  If I tell someone they're crazy, am I going to have to make a public apology to all crazy people and their psychologists?  Every mother out there agrees, it's not nice to call people names, but even a five year old knows "sticks and stones." Oh, and let me stop you before you say, "what if the referee had called Kobe the 'N' word?  Should Kobe have just let it go?"  Of course not, and I'm not saying it was O.K. for Kobe, either, but 1) I don't think you can equate those two words... Sorry, but being called one definately has  a different meaning and history than the other, and 2) if it had gone down that way, the referee would have to be fired, because you can't have an admitted racist calling plays on the court.  See what I mean?  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my lawyer to make sure I can post this without getting sued by some crybaby.  Have a great weekend, everyone!  You can read more here:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110414/ap_on_sp_bk_ne/bkn_lakers_bryant_slur

The One Ton President

You know what America needs?  A fat president.  No kidding.  Our next president should have a ZZ Top beard, a beer gut, and he needs to smoke two packs of Marlboro reds a day.  I'm sick and tired of the Jay Leno "how fat are we as a country" jokes and all of the Saturday morning commercials trying to push me and my family outside to "get active."  I'm sick of hearing about all of the okra that grows in Michelle Obama's garden, and I don't want to see any pictures of the President jogging.  The next time I see a container of pepper for sale at the grocery store that advertises "very low sodium!"  I am going to pick it up and fling it at the stockboy who put it there.  The next guy who utters the word "transfats" in my presence is going to have a transfat lip.  It started with light beer.  Look, if your diet allows you to drink beer of any kind, you are not on a diet.  Besides, if you live in a state that does not  allow the sale of beer that contains more than 3.2% alcohol, you're just drinking flavored water, anyway.  But never mind, not a big deal.  Then it was smoking.  Okay, no big whoop.  Everybody knows smoking is unhealthy, and of course we don't want our children taking up that filthy habit, so regulate it.  No more ads on T.V., and kill Joe Camel.  Next on the hit list was school vending machines.  Go ahead, try to rob one.  I bet you get about two bucks.  Hey, Mr. Principal!  No one likes that Coke Zero stuff you keep cramming in there!  Can you say Mountain Dew?  Soda is coffee for kids, get used to the idea!  Now we have the Grease Police breathing down our necks and telling McDonalds they can't sell Happy Meals in San Francisco.  I heard KFC, which used to be Kentucky FRIED Chicken, was selling roasted chicken now.  What planet is this?  What are all of these government agents doing in my freaking kitchen?  Can't you just let me eat in peace?  This is why I want a fat guy to be the President.  Go ahead and say it,  Lefty..."Now you're just being stupid, Mr. Johnson!  Obesity is a disease in this country!  How would having a fat president be good for our national image, you beer guzzling yellow toothed waste of human tissue?"  You really have a way with words, you know that?   But...no.  Obesity is not a disease, or an epidemic, nor is it the responsibility of government to regulate anybody's body mass index.   Is being fat healthy?  No.  Is smoking healthy? No.  Is drinking a barrel of whiskey a day healthy?  Of course not.  You know what else is unhealthy?  Telling a 210 pound adult male he needs to cut back on the snacks.  Mind your own damned business.  When people found out Obama smokes during the last presidential election, they had all kinds of polls and such...would you vote for a smoker?  And when he was asked about it,well, of course he let everyone know he was tryng to quit.  Screw that.  He should have said, "yeah, I smoke Lucky Strikes without a filter.  Don't like it?  Go to Hell.  Vote for bean sprout McCain if it matters so much to you."  Then, even I might have been tempted to vote for him.  Instead, we have his wife interrupting our cartoons to tell us we're too fat while she runs off to Spain and orders everything on the menu with extra gravy.  No more.  I'm now basing my next vote on how much the candidate weighs, because a fat president is less likely to raise taxes on Twinkies or regulate root beer.

Elected Official Says Elections Shouldn't Matter

Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had a message for the Republican majority last Friday.  I'm paraphrasing, here, but the message seems to be, don't listen to those boobs who voted for you.  "There's so many things at risk right now ... but the fact is is that elections shouldn't matter as much as they do, (there) should be some place on the spectrum where we respect each other's views and all the rest," she told the crowd at Tufts University.  I've been trying to dissect that for hours now...what the hell does she mean, "elections shouldn't matter as much as they do?"  Near as I can figure, it means, "elections only matter if Democrats win."  I think she believes that the Republican party has been hijacked by the Tea Party Movement, and she's not alone, but the Tea Party Movement will tell you that government in general has been hijacked by career politicians.  If she's saying that the Republican majority doesn't have a mandate from the people, I think she's wrong.  The message  from voters seemed pretty clear- "stop spending."  If Republicans fail to hear that message, then I think the new message will be, "you're fired."  Simple as that.  Then again, she also mentioned embracing our shared values, education, the economy, and defense.  I'm not convinced the former Speaker and I have a lot in common when it comes to those issues, and I doubt the freshman House members have much in common with her, either.  It sounds like she's calling for compromise...but compromise basically means, "you give us what we want and give your constituents the middle finger."  All of this "elections shouldn't matter" stuff is kind of weird coming from Democrats when you consider that when they won, we were told, "Elections have consequences."  I seem to remember very clearly that the Democrats claimed to have a mandate from the people in '06 and '08, and they basically told Republicans, "screw you, we won."  Maybe they've had a change of heart.  Now, it's "let's not get caught up in all of this 'democracy' stuff."  I know what you're going to say- "Compromise is important, Mr. Johnson!  Would you prefer gridlock, you red state red neck puke bag?"  Well, Lefty, there's a difference between coming to an accord and basically backhanding the people who put you in office.  Pelosi also said, "To my Republican friends, take back your party, so that it doesn't matter so much who wins the election..."   Wait- take it back from whom?  The voters?  Yeah, good idea, ignore the will of the people and just do whatever Nancy wants!  That'll get you places! I've got news for you, Lefty...the Tea Party Movement didn't hijack the Republican party.  What actually happened was Democrats ignored the voters and just did what ever the hell they wanted to...so they were voted out.  If the Republicans fail to deliver, then you Dems will probably get another whack at it.  Will elections matter then?
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/04/13/pelosi-elections-shouldnt-matter/#ixzz1JS0yHwEl

Patriot or Traitor?

Today marks the 150th anniversary of the outbreak of the American Civil War, and many of you are probably quietly thinking to yourselves, "So?"  I find, when it comes to the Civil War, there are three types of people.  The first type is the history buff, but they almost don't count, because they're the kind of people who will watch a two-hour documentary on the history of underwear.  The second is the guy with the Confederate battle flag hanging in the bedroom windows instead of a curtain, and the third is the guy who sees that flag and says, "You lost, can't you people just get over it already?"  Wait...there's actually one more type...the guy that sees that flag and says, "Wow, what a racist."  That's kind of hard to argue, since everyone I ever knew that flew that flag was, in fact, a racist.  Now, I know some of you out there are going to say that's absurd, that the Civil War was fought for state's rights, not slavery.  You're absolutely right- the civil war was fought over each state's rights...to defend and promote slavery.  Don't start writing hate mail to me yet, Johnny Reb, I'm not finished.  You see, the South was right about one thing...they did  have a right to secede, at least in theory.  All you have to do is read the Declaration of Independence to realize that.  I should also point out that most of the young men who fought that war were so poor they couldn't afford to buy a dozen eggs let alone own another human being.  Rich man's war, poor man's fight, it was said.  I've also read that the great American general Robert E. Lee was against slavery, but saw his duty to Virginia as higher than his duty to the union.  I get all of that, so when I say that the Civil War was fought over slavery, please don't overload the comments section or my Facebook page with a lot of "No it wasn't!"  Yeah, it was.  And if you're going to start in with the whole "Lincoln owned slaves" thing, I'm going to have to see some documentation.  About Lincoln.  Not his grandfather, or his great uncle.  Put up, or shut up, as they say.  It is true that Lincoln wanted to save the union whether slavery was abolished or not...the union was more important to him.  But make no mistake-this quote from Lincoln says it all; "Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid. As a nation we began by declaring that "all men are created equal." We now practically read it "all men are created equal, except negroes." Soon it will read "all men are created equal, except negroes, and foreigners, and catholics." When it comes to this, I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretense of loving liberty--to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocracy."  Men in the South feared Lincoln, feared abolitionists like John Brown, and left the union based on that fear.  Saying the Civil War wasn't about slavery is like saying that the Crucifiction wasn't about Jesus.  Maybe not, but it wouldn't have happened without Him, would it?  "So- other than pure interest in history, Mr. Type One, why did you even bring it up?"  Good question, Lefty, thanks for hanging in there.  The reason I bring it up is to ask you a question.  Does the union still matter?  Believe it or not, there are people today that are calling for their states to seceed, and I'm not just talking about a few crazies out in west Texas.  I, for one, am a big believer in states' rights, but I am first and foremost an American.  So I found myself asking that question of myself today.  What would it take to make me rebel against the government, and would that make me a patriot, or a traitor?  Where do you draw the line between defending the Constitution and defending your country?

Class Warfare and the Death of True Freedom

Class warfare is for crybabies.  And Marxists.  And, I guess, for politicians and pundits who seek the admiration of crybaby Marxists.  Bill Maher has said America needs class warfare on his HBO program, Real Time, claiming that the evil rich are screwing the poor, but let's examine who the "evil rich" really are, shall we, the "top 1%" he thinks the rest of America should hang from trees covered in tar and feathers.  He claims that the Republican party is the "party of billionaires," and apparently, he's very upset that General Electric doesn't have to pay taxes.  Well, according the The Washington Post, " Last election, GEPAC spent $2.4 million, with a slim majority going to Democrats. So far this year, two-thirds of GEPAC money has gone to Democrats."   You can read more here:   http://washingtonexaminer.com/politics/2009/08/leaked-e-mail-shows-how-ge-puts-government-work-ge#ixzz1J4llvtBL   99.6% of Apple, Inc. CEO Steve Jobs' donations went to the Democratic National Committee.  Warren Buffett donated over $1 million to Hillary Clinton, democrat,  in 2009.  All of those Hollywood types, those sophisticated millionaires Bill Maher pals around with?  Democrats.  They all famously donate money to charity, to the poor of the world, and yet with all of that money, poor people still exist.  Hmmm.  Why is that?  Is it because of the evil Republicans?  Maybe it's because rich people get their wealth by making good decisions.  The world is full of Art Linkletter types who didn't even know what a decent pair of shoes was until they were in their twenties, then ended up with millions.  Is it because they stole it all from the poor?  So maybe you had a rough life.  Maybe you couldn't afford college.  That sucks.  So what are you doing about it?  What are you doing to change things?  Think about the movies you watch- do you like movies about people who blame all of their problems on other people, people who demand other people give them what they earned?  Or do you like watching movies about people who find ways to help themselves and overcome their obstacles?  Watch The Pursuit of Happiness  with Will Smith, then come back and tell me what you learned.  Class warfare is destructive to society.  Instead of people using their own talent and freedom to improve things, they grab pitchforks and torches and attack.  I know you won't believe me, here, Lefty, but only the rich pay taxes.  That's right.  Most of you complainers out there are going to get a tax refund, and some of you are even getting back thousands more than you paid in.  You get all of your taxes back plus extra.  Now do you want to scream about what's fair?  The truth is, there is no "middle-class" or "upper-class," those are things Marx invented.  Here in America, any one can start out rich and become poor just as any one can start out poor and become rich.  You can go as far as talent and creativity will take you.  The sad thing is, there will always be someone who is jealous of you and your success, and like wolves, they will crowd around you, mouths slobbering greedily.  Don't believe me?  Just go walk down the street sometime with a cigarette in your hand in any major city, and I guarantee you someone will want to "bum" one from you.  You've got smokes and they don't, so you should give them yours, right? Even you well-meaning Democrats out there know what I'm talking about here.  Now, I'm not saying we shouldn't help each other.  Everyone needs help at some point in their life.  What I'm saying is, "Look in the mirror."  Who are you?  Are you a hyena waiting for the scraps the lions leave you, a lion feeding her cubs, or are you the prey being eaten?  Ask yourself how people like Bill Maher got rich.  Did he steal it, or did he use his own talent and the freedom to speak his mind?  True freedom is in the Declaration of Independence- the right to pursue happiness.  Exercise your own rights instead of being jealous of those who do.  You are the reason you're not rich, not happy, and you are the only one who can change that.

The Adventures of The Policy Rider!

If you turned on the T.V. or radio today, I'm sure you heard about the Incredible Policy Riders and a possible government shutdown.  If you're like me, you probably had images in your head of masked men on horseback storming the Capitol and racing off with sacks full of treasury notes.  When you finished giggling, you then probably realized you missed what the story was actually about.  The long and the short of it, as far as I can tell, is that the Republicans put together a spending bill demanding that funding for Planned Parenthood be cut, and the Democrats don't like it.  Democrats say it is a policy issue that has no business in the debate over the budget, and Republicans say it has everything to do with it because it is funding that can be cut. Hard to argue that point, actually, but here we are.  Liberals are incensed that the Evil Republicans want to cut funding for "Women's Health," and Republicans are insistent that government funding of abortion be stopped.  Don't you just love that?  If you're a liberal, you are a pro-choice defender of women's health issues.  Words can be funny... like "kumquat."  That's a funny word.  Words mean things, though, and just as a kumquat is a fruit-bearing tree, a pro-choice defender of women's health issues is a person who defends a woman's right too have her baby murdered, before that baby is born, by the doctor of her choice.  I know, I know- mammograms.  Don't start with me, Lefty, I'm on a roll.  See, on the other side, we've been fighting this whole "Roe v. Wade" thing for as long as I can remember, so if we can't nix it this time, then move on and get a budget together that works so we don't have to turn off all of the lights.  Everybody cool with that?  The big issue, the whole reason Republicans took the House last November, is the fact that we are broke.  As a nation, we have no cash.  We can't just go to the ATM, Lefty, you got it?  The money aint there.  Now we have to decide how we're going to pay for everything for the next fiscal year, and if we have to cut a few things like shoe shines in the lobby for congressmen, or tours of the White House,  or...I don't know...abortion?  Well, that's what we have to do.  But we CAN'T stop paying our Marines, our soldiers, our sailors, or our airmen.  That pisses me off with a capital  P .  Bold and italicized, buddy.  Fix it. I can still mail a letter?  Awesome.  The national parks will be protected?  Cool.  I can't ride the D.C. Metro 24-7?  I'll get over it.  But our frikkin' troops?  C'mon, man, that's low.  What will happen next?  Stay tuned.

"You Jackass!"

I really can't add anything here...she pretty much nails it.  While I'm not all about burning the Koran, or any other book, for that matter, I am all over freedom of speech, and if a bunch of Muslims, or liberals, or any "jackass" doesn't like it, they can go to hell.  Long live Freedom and down with the supression of speech!

Again, it's worth noting that when the religion of peace is offended, they kill people.  As much as it pains me that one idiot in Florida decided to burn their holy book, and that this enraged Muslims enough to commit murder, I can't help but wonder- is that what their "holy book" teaches them to do?  I'll take being offended over being silent and dead any day of the week, and I will never be silent. 
You can also view it at:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xqtYkd2gCs   there are two videos.

What, No X Files?

If you ever wished you could sift through the FBI records on John F. Kennedy or the crash at Roswell, New Mexico, from the comfort of your own home, you're in for a treat...get your tin foil hat out from under your bed and grab your laptop, because the FBI has opened "The Vault!"  Complete with its' own search engine, http://vault.fbi.gov/ combines nerdy fascination with "Unexplained Phenomenon"  with nerdy keyword searches and pdf files!  Now you can sift through all of the documents the FBI has on Jimi Hendrix and Bettie Page with just a few clicks and satisfy your morbid curiosity electronically.  The choices are pretty broad actually, ranging from "Custodial Interrogation for Public Saftey" to "Motion Picture Copyright Infringement."  Pretty heady stuff, right?  There are also documents on people like Erich Fromm, Aristotle Onasis, and Robert F. Kennedy, and for those who really like to read, there's a complete timeline of the 9/11 hijackers down to the coffee they had at Starbucks the morning before the attacks.  "You're such a snot, Mr. Johnson," you might be saying, "this is a good thing the agency is doing!  Don't you feel like you can trust the government more now, you paranoid conservitard?"  Well, don't let me stop you, lefty, head on over to the site and pdf your heart out.  Just a heads up, though, I already checked out the Roswell stuff, and it's..well...pretty freaking boring.  It kind of reads like some agent's hastily typed out report on a phone call he got.  In fact, I think that's exactly what it is.  Lots of information there, though, if you don't mind the blacked-out names and the "Best Copy Available" stamps all over everything.  See, some of those documents are so old and faded that I have to assume not even the G-Men give a crap anymore.  At first I went into it thinking I'd find some thing like "Thank God Geraldo didn't knock down that wall, he might have found all of the vampire skulls in Capone's vault!"  Thirty seconds was all it took for me to realize it was just a bunch of old files and reports.  Scully and Moulder must be keeping their records in a different place.  Oh, well.

What Happened To Dad?

Why is Dad such an idiot?  I don't mean my dad, or even your dad.  I'm talking about T.V. Dad.  Why aren't there any good dads on  television?  It's Sunday night, and many of you will sit down with your families and watch the Fox Trio, The Simpsons, American Dad, and Family Guy.  What do all three of those T.V. shows have in common?  The father figure is an absolute doofus and the butt of half of the jokes.  Homer is a drunk, slobbering boob, Stan is a conservative stereotype screw-up, and Peter is mentally retarded.  At the end of most episodes, they try to soften it up with a "gee-whiz, Dad's a dummy, but he loves his family" sort of thing that's supposed to teach us all lessons of some kind, but what we really take away from it is that the dad should be institutionalized and the mom should get a  medal  for putting up with him and the smart-alec kids.  Is this really a mirror of the modern family, or is Dad getting shafted?  Sure, we all probably remember something from childhood where our dads embarrassed us, and now that we're older, some of us are embarrassing our own children now, but when I think about my  dad, I just wish I could be half  the man he is.  Some of you weren't so lucky.  For some of you, your dad was a drunk slob, or an idiot, or he cheated on your mom right in front of you.  You have an opportunity and a responsibility to be better than that.  Fortunately, there is no precise definition for what a dad is.  Unfortunately, it's going to be an uphill battle, because not only are you under assault as a dad, but as a man in general.  How many times have you seen a commercial for a hamburger joint that showed the stupid bachelor who can't even fry an egg, or watched a beer commercial that showed the fool who bought a six pack instead of the much needed toilette paper?  I mean, if I see one more sitcom or commercial where the man, like a toddler, cries, "but honey, the game's on" while the all-knowing always-right wife or girlfriend stands in front of the T.V. badgering him about some stupid chore, I will destroy my television.  Leave the freaking guy alone already, will you?  Where is the dad that helps mom with the dishes after dinner?  Where is the dad that taught junior how to ride a bike, or throw a ball?  Where is that person that taught you how to be a responsible, honest, independent adult? Okay- so your dad drinks a beer in front of the T.V. after work.  He goes bowling on Wednesday with his friends.  He has a hotrod in the garage he likes to work on every Saturday, and he doesn't like chick flicks.  He'd rather go fishing than shopping for drapes.  So what?  Thirty years ago, we called that hard working guy with hobbies "Dad."  Now we call him "Homer."

The Bill of Rights for Dummies

Four score and not too long ago, I posted an article called, "The Declaration for Dummies."  Some of you liked it and suggested I expand on the idea of "simple."  Why does my lawyer feel the need to say things in Latin and then smile and explain it all to me in English?  Why does my wife's doctor tell her what's wrong with her in Greek, then break it down in to one or two syllables after handing her a prescription?  Why do I tell people that there is an inconsistancy in the fifth hive of their registry due to a bad sector instead of just telling them they need a new hard drive?  As a wise man once said, "keep it simple, stupid."  It's the same garbage we've been dealing with since creation, as evidenced by the fact that we need over 2,000 laws to enforce ten simple commandments.  So, here, for your edification, is the Bill of Rights..."dumbed down."
     The Preamble: "On December 15, 1791, the U.S. Congress met in New York and decided we hadn't done enough to make sure the people don't get screwed, so we added a few things.  We're allowed to do that thanks to the 5th Article of the original Constitution.   The "meat" of it:  :First thing:   Lawmakers can't establish a national religion, and can't pass any law that keeps you from being whatever religion you are.  Also, you're allowed to pretty much say or write what ever you want, and if you want to get together and talk about how much the government sucks, you can do that, too.  Second Thing:  We're not going to stop you from carrying weapons because it might be a good idea to have some armed civilians around in case the government ever starts to push us around again like King George did.  Third thing:  We won't make you keep soldiers in your house without asking first...unless we pass a law that says we can.  Fourth thing:  The government can't just break down your door or snoop around in your business unless we have a good reason, and even then, we have to put it in writing.  Fifth thing:  If you have to go to court for murder or something, you get to be judged by your neighbors...unless we're at war, and you're a soldier.  On top of that, we won't take you to court for the same thing twice, and you can keep your mouth shut, if you think talking makes you look more guilty. Also, we won't take your stuff without a good reason, or at least without offering to pay for it first.  Sixth thing:  If we do take you to court, we promise it will be quick and it will be in your neighborhood.  Also, you get to know why, you get to face the people who called you out, and you get a lawyer to stick up for you.  Seventh thing:  When it comes to money, if it's over twenty bucks, you get to have a jury trial, and once the court decides, that's it.  Eighth thing:  If you're guilty, we won't cut off your feet and beat you into the ground or fine you some ridiculous amount of money like a gazillion dollars.  Ninth thing:  Just because a right isn't listed in the constitution doesn't mean it doesn't exist.    Thing ten:  If the constitution doesn't say the federal government has a power, then the power belongs to the states or to the people in general."   Well, that's the original ten, anyway, and not a syllable of it was in Latin.  That wasn't so hard, was it?  Now, there's nothing in there about the right to murder people, or about the right to lust after your best friend's wife, or the right to lie about people you hate, but then, like I said, why should we have over 2,000 laws to enforce ten simple rules everyone ought to know by now?

Your Lying Eyes

A lot of talking heads, news anchors, and political mouth-pieces are tossing the word "recovery" around as if the last three years were just a bad hangover.  Some of them are even out there telling you that you don't have that enormous, brain-mashing headache you've been complaining about.  "Hey, we're in a recovery!  Why, the unemployment rate is down to 8.8%!  216,000 jobs were added last month!  The stock markets are BOOMING!"   I don't want to be a buzzkill, but there are two problems with that.  The first problem?  Those are statistics from the U.S. Bureau of Labor statistics.  Gallup paints a different picture.  According to them, "Unemployment, as measured by Gallup without seasonal adjustment, was 10.0% in March -- down from 10.2% in mid-March and 10.3% at the end of February, but above the 9.8% at the end of January. U.S. unemployment was 10.4% at the end of March a year ago. The percentage of part-time workers who want full-time work was 9.3% at the end of March -- down from 9.7% in mid-March and 9.6% in both February measurements. The current percentage remains higher than the 9.1% at the end of January but lower than the 10.0% of a year ago."  Maybe I'm just a skeptic at heart, I don't know, but they have been studying polling data independently for the last 75 years.  "Don't be so infantile, Mr. Johnson," you're probably saying, "Gallup polls about a thousand people while the U.S. Bureau of Labor counts tens of thousands, so try again, you insignificant little molecule of monkey flatulence!"  Sticks and stones, lefty, sticks and stones.  But I don't need Gallup to make my second point, all I need is Wal-Mart.  You see, I found a reciept in a kitchen drawer yesterday from 2007.  Apparently, I bought a loaf of bread back then for 98 cents.  That same loaf tonight? $1.28.  Block of Extra Sharp Cheddar cheese?  In 2007, it was $4.98, now it's $8.98.  A gallon of milk was $2.85, and I remember being pissed then- now, it's three and a quarter.  If I stopped for gas that night, I filled up for around $2.89 a gallon.  Today, it was $3.29 a gallon.  The last time I bought a pack pf cigarettes at the Wal-Mart gas station, by the way, it cost me $2.25.  Today, thanks to inflation and taxes, it would have cost me $5.55.  These days, I only get my tobacco from the Tribal smokeshops.  So much cheaper.  "So what, grandpa," you might be saying, "why don't you tell us about how you could go to the movies for a nickle when you were our age?" Where am I going with this?  Follow me.  In an age where people are already living paycheck to paycheck and thanking God that they even have a job, we're being told everything is great!  Your paycheck, if you get one, is the same as four years ago and prices have doubled, but don't worry!  Stocks are up!  We hired a whole bunch of temporary workers to fill in potholes!  The future is bullish!  Why, we're only double the unemployment and prices of 2007 back when the evil tyrant George Bush was president!  When I ask why my paycheck doesn't go as far as it did three or four years ago, why is Wal-Mart the only business in town still thriving, what answers do I get from the Huffington Post crowd and the administration they carry water for?  "Don't you see we're in a recovery?  Who are you going to believe, me, or your lying eyes?"