Breaking News: Britain Has Spies!
Thank goodness for the intrepid reporters at places like the Guardian and Yahoo News. Without the likes of them, we might never have learned that The United Kingdom has whole agencies full of spies and secret agents whose missions are secret! Apparently, these spies are even monitoring communications! SECRETLY! I did a little research of my own, and I discovered that this kind of thing has been going on since before the days of Rome. Even the Aztecs had a spy network. It's hard to believe, I mean, really, who knew? Oh, that's right- everybody. Yes, the NSA, the CIA, the GHCQ, and the SVR are all monitoring all kinds of communications, always have, always will. Intercepted e-mails? Yup. Tapped phone calls? Uh-huh. Captured couriers? Check. Shot down carrier pigeons? You betcha. In fact, it looks like the only people who didn't know this has been going on for thousands of years are...journalists. It's a huge shocker, I guess, that a spy agency led by Great Britain, formerly one of the world's largest empires, is tapping into a global network of fiber-optic cables to mine data from (gasp!) the internet. I mean, wow, right? Using the internet as a way to gather and store information? Dastardly, to say the least. So, why am I not worried about this? Isn't privacy a legitimate concern, here? Maybe...I guess...if, that is, you believe that any government anywhere really cares about your Facebook posts (Go Bears! What a touchdown!), your Twitter feed (Just had the best tiramisu at this restaurant on Grant Ave! #foodmelikey), or your e-mails from grandma (FWD:FWD:FWD: insert lame political or racial joke). I, personally, don't believe the Masters of the Universe are monitoring your phone calls to Nana on her birthday...I'm pretty sure there just isn't the manpower to scour through everyone's calls and e-mails everyday, all day. Also, I tend to not accept calls from known terrorists, drug dealers, or wanted fugitives...but whatever. I'm sure someone out there is seething about that..."Wait just a minute, Mr. Johnson, are you saying if we have nothing to hide, we have nothing to fear, so we should just give up our civil liberties, you jackbooted Trotskyite?" No, not at all. I value my personal privacy as much as the next guy...I just don't think most of us are going to draw the attention of spies from England, or anywhere else. Moreover, what are you going to do about it? They're spies. Keeping their actions covert is kind of what they're all about. Why so surprised, why so outraged? It's like government corruption- I can't believe these stories produce more than a yawn. Yes, the bogeyman exists. The real question is whose bed is he hiding under, right? But I'm afraid I'll have to end this little rant...I'm on to something big here...according to an unidentified source, it turns out that the UK is a constitutional monarchy! I'd better start researching this new development right away.